We all tend to be on our best behaviour at the start of a romantic relationship. All those small complaints are just another ‘cute’ discovery of your partner and every moment with them seems like a dream… until it isn’t. Four months down the line, you’re past the honeymoon stage, and all the adorable and tolerable habits suddenly annoy you more than usual. This is when frequent fights start to occur, whether it’s face-to-face or fighting over text.
While fexting (a.k.a fighting over text) does not always make or break a relationship, it can still be a stressful thing for anyone to deal with. You’re still fuming from an argument, you don’t want to be anywhere near this person, but you can’t stop picking up your phone to check whether they’ve replied. You type out an angry text, but then you delete it, because you’re scared that it may come off too hurtful, and deep down, you still want things to work out between the two of you.
So, if you find yourself in a situation like this, here are some things to keep in mind:
Fexting Dos
1. Take time to carefully read your partner’s texts and reflect before replying
If you’re on the receiving end of an angry text, try to stay calm and be patient about it, rather than giving them a knee-jerk reply that could potentially make things worse. Think about the end goal here: What do you want out of this situation?
2. Keep it respectful
One thing that many couples tend to forget about is that they are on the same team! At the end of the day, the goal is to solve the problem, not shame your partner and cause unnecessary hurt feelings. There’s always a way to ask for an apology, or let your partner know how much their behaviour has affected you without resorting to personal attacks. Both of you should be focusing on how to solve the problem, not the other person.
3. Take your time
We may want straight and immediate answers in the heat of the moment, but it’s important to keep in mind that texting is an asynchronous form of communication, so there may be a delay when receiving, reading, or responding to the message. Expecting an immediate response from them via text will only raise the stakes of the conversation, setting both of you up for disappointment and further misunderstandings. So try to give them some time to respond, something like “I know you’re busy at the moment, but I would appreciate it if you can reply by the end of the day,” But of course, if they choose to ignore your message and doesn’t reply, just remember that if they truly wanted to resolve something, they would stay and try to fix the problem, instead of avoiding it altogether.
4. Get straight to the point
Text message is not the best medium to solve a serious problem, since there are many things in writing that can be interpreted differently. So try to keep your message specific and straight to the point. What are you trying to seek from your partner? An apology? Something that you would like to discuss further? In these situations, saying “I would like us to talk about this tonight” could be a lot more productive than open-ended statements like “I’m so mad at you.”
Fexting Don’ts
1. Write an essay
It can be tempting to just do a word vomit and send lengthy texts back-to-back. After all, you’re hurt, and you just want to be understood. However, constantly adding on to your argument and hitting them with a “and…” and “not to mention…” won’t make things better either. Chances are, the more you pile onto them, the more likely they’re gonna ignore the barrage of texts you’re sending. Just like you, your partner has feelings too. If the message is too long and filled with a bunch of negativity, it can be overwhelming for them, and the essential point of the message can get lost in the delivery.
2. Text when you’re angry
Texting in the heat of the moment can result in saying hurtful comments you don’t really mean, or even stuff you would never sat face-to-face! But, we get that once you’ve realized that you’re fighting, cooling down can be tough. So before you send a text, write it down in your notes app, and leave it alone. Take time to ask yourself what you really want to convey. Is it to tell them how their actions have hurt you? Or do you just want to send “I’m mad at you!”.
3. Get defensive
No one likes to be at the receiving end of an angry text. So it’s easy for anyone to rush to defend themselves if they feel attacked. But, instead of getting defensive, take a moment and try to see things from their perspective. See if you can reframe the text as an invitation for further communication, and think about how you can respond differently instead.
Texting can be a great way to communicate healthily, as it gives us a chance to stop, think, and contextualise our feelings in ways that face-to-face communication can’t. Just remember that there are still rules when it comes to arguing, whether your words are being spoken or texted.
