Family can mean a lot of things to different people. Many long for this familial connection; others would be better off without it. Having perfect parents is impossible, as there is simply no such thing; everyone has their ups and downs. However, to have “good” parents or a “good” family is actually a luxury that many can’t afford. Worse still is that many perceive abuse, in all of its forms, as the norm that must be upheld, even through generations.
Just because they gave birth to you and did all the basics that a parent should do in the first place, that doesn’t entitle them to make you their slave or emotional punching bag. If you believe you are in such a toxic relationship, here are five signals you should look out for so you can get out of Dodge.
Non-constructive Comments
Words are the best form of communication, but they can often be the deadliest. Like sharp knives, they can cut anything in half. Harsh criticism, sweeping generalisations, and unwarranted comments are big warning signs of an abuser. Statements such as “you always make stupid decisions” or “you never do anything right” are demanding and unhelpful to a person’s growth, and comments that shrug off your achievements and things that make you happy are immediate red flags.
Body Language
Words are one thing; body language is another. As the name states, learning and observing another person’s movement is a language of its own that you have to learn. From crossing one’s arms to eye rolling and turning one’s back with the goal of demeaning someone, even the silent treatment can be part of emotional abuse. These actions, if used consistently for a prolonged period of time, can distort a person’s perception of social cues, turning seemingly harmless actions into something terrible.
Overreacting Or Playing The Victim When Being Called Out
Perhaps the most effective method of determining if someone is toxic would be to see how they react when confronted with their mistakes or actions. In a healthy relationship, a person would apologise for their actions or words, not always immediately, as they may not have realised what they had done just yet, and would actively try to be better moving forward. Talking to them is like talking to a brick wall, as sometimes they can also avoid confrontation so that they don’t have to acknowledge their problem.
Conversely, a toxic person would actively defend their stance, often in a violent manner. This could give you some insight into their thought process and give you hints as to whether you should really associate with that kind of person.
Boundaries Are A Social Construct
As a parent, it is normal to want to be close with your child, but there are instances where they want to be too close, to the point where they want to know too much. When a person wants to know more than they should, it often strips a person’s sense of security and, in worst-case scenarios, their sense of agency.
Signs of this is that they do not listen to your opinions, oftentimes they deny you the right to have any opinions, they enter and disrupt your safe space or support group, and they will snoop into your phone to check messages, search history, etc. These people will actively cross the line you’ve drawn, repeatedly, and it’s very unlikely they will change that behaviour.
Gaslighting
The biggest elephant in the room. What makes gaslighting terrifying is that they do not leave noticeable signs like physical abuse, but can be twice as damaging for a person’s mental growth in the long run. It cripples a person’s image of themselves, degrading their value to the point where they believe they are worthless.
Gaslighting describes any interaction where a person or entity manipulates someone into feeling they cannot trust their own memories, feelings, or senses. Oftentimes, the abusers deflect the blame back to their victims or dismiss or downplay their negative actions; phrases such as “I’m just trying to help you” or “It’s you who is selfish – YOU are hurting ME”, are the things you should look out for. A few acts of kindness here and there do not invalidate their mistakes, but are in fact part of the cycle of abuse.
