Netflix’s “Night Teeth” Review: We Could Probably Chomp On These Vamps & Still Win

It’s spooooooky season right now. With All-Hallow’s Eve right around the corner, the ghouls, the mummies, the zombie-chompin’ freaks are upon us. Tis’ the season to be frightful and sure, the streamers have got us covered.

A vampire thriller, “Night Teeth” starring “Spider-Man: Homecoming” and “Bumblebee” star Jorge Lendeborg Jr. premiered on Netflix. So is it a slashin’good time or does it ultimately suck you dry? Let’s nibble into its veins, shall we?

The opening prologue, narrated by Megan Fox, introduces viewers to a long-standing power struggle between mankind and the vampires. Details are murky but it’s a hunt-or-be-hunted type of situation. Nevertheless, the persistence of the Boyle Heights district eventually brought a truce upon them. Therefore, vampires live in the shadows, and somehow the world forgot that they ever existed.

Meanwhile, vampire-kind gains power and wealth with their clandestine affairs but sometimes, peace is never an option with certain dudes… With the truce compromised, tensions have never been higher.

Enter Benny (Jorge Lendeborg Jr.), a happy-go-lucky economics student and part-time fire-griller… for the SoundCloud fam. All are good for the dude until he sneaks in on his brother, Jay (Raúl Castillo), who it turns out, has become embroiled in a war with the vampires. With Jay occupied at night due to him having to attempt a rescue mission for his abducted girlfriend, Jay reluctantly lets Benny take his place as a chauffeur.

The task: drive two mysterious women around LA for a full night of party hopping before the break of dawn. No biggie.

Nevertheless, the scope widens on Benny’s world as the discreet charms of his clients, Blaire and Zoe (Debby Ryan and Lucy Fry) turn out to be deadly AF. Possessing an insatiable thirst for that scarlet ooze, Blaire and Zoe take their driver hostage, as the night further spins out of control. As dawn approaches, Benny must do whatever it takes to survive the dangers of this new world, even if it means making allies with his abductors.

Aite. We’re not gonna waste any time and just say it. “Night Teeth” is some conventional stuff. There is nothing that will make you go: “Oh, wow. That was impressive!” other than the photography which is shot pretty well. With its red, blue, and golden compositions, the audience is always reminded of the triplicity that surrounds Boyle Heights.

Moreover, it helps that Jorge is a very likeable lead. He lets this fish-out-of-water role simmer into his essence. He’s sexy. He’s awkward. And he flows well with the attractive vamps on the backseat. We dig it.

Nonetheless, these two features are quite possibly the only redeemable qualities of the film because everything else is a bloody hot mess.

The script is questionable. The soundtrack is atrociously jarring – not the actual tracks though, we love ourselves some Audrey Nuna – mixing like some wood chips and sawdust in red paint. There’s little structure overall. It struggles to find its form and motivate itself to find any sort of direction.

Action-wise, man… If we had a word for it… No, two words for it, we guess it would have to be Stormtrooper and aim. Like, seriously, there are no stakes at all because the rival gangs have terrible aim even when their target is a stone’s throw away. Maybe someone could pitch a movie where the Stormtroopers and these vampire-hunters shoot each other and call it a sequel to the “Neverending Story”?

Surprisingly, Megan Fox’s role in this is extremely brief and therefore amounts to nothing more than a cameo at best. She and Sydney Sweeney play extremely rich and powerful leaders of the underground vampire society, but the film destroys that latter aspect. Rich? Yes. Powerful? We don’t even witness anything of that sort. Their entire operation is single-handedly uprooted by Blaire and Zoe. Well, that probably gives her more time to date weed.

So…

We guess it’s just another of those standard-shot-well-hashtag-aesthetic-sexy-vibes films that come out once every week on streaming. Seriously, you know your life isn’t going to change after watching “Night Teeth”, unlike the experience of watching Denis Villeneuve’s “Dune” which we have since converted to its church. Activities include Bene Gesserit-ing, Gom Jabbar-ing, and exterminating the mind-killer. Yes. Yes, we know. It’s outrageous to compare a dry stalk of corn to sumptuous caviar but, we’re gonna plug it while we still can. PLEASE. WATCH. DUNE. IN. CINEMAS. NOW.

So, again, “Night Teeth” has nothing to show viewers. Sadly, it loses its plot halfway through some vamp gang war that is wildly uninteresting and contrived. The resolve and drive tends to murk up and we don’t really know what the intended product actually strived to be. Hell, it even tries to be a little John Wick at times but unfortunately, it doesn’t quite succeed.

Alright, hear us out Netflix. Why don’t ya’ll try your hand at making something neo noir-esque, but with some bloody good ghouls? Kill. Bite. Swear. Have em’ slice and dice. Don’t let em’ play nice.

Make it a sultry and spicy revenge thriller. Make it sharp and sweet.

Or you know, that could very well be the plot of the next Blade movie? Who knows? Call us back once we get dem red shades on Mahershala Ali. We’re all ready to bare our fangs and decapitate some vamp heads right now.

“Night Teeth” is currently streaming on Netflix. 

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