We all blurt out some pretty nasty things to our partners in the heat of the moment. No, we’re not talking about the *~nasty~* stuff you say to each other in bed, it’s the sh*t you say that could seriously harm your relationship!
While most of the time, your partner would understand that you were just angry and you probably didn’t mean what you said, some utterances you just can’t take back, and can have a super negative effect on your relationship. Many people throw words around without knowing how deeply they actually hurt their partners, and they fail to see it from a different perspective. As a result, they damage their relationship unknowingly. Here are 10 things you should never say to someone you love:
1. “You’re Overreacting”
When your partner gets mad at you, or you get into a fight, you shouldn’t tell them how they should react to something. This is in the same vein as telling them to “Calm down,” and “You’re being too sensitive.” While you may say these things in an effort stop your partner from being upset, or to de-escalate the situation, it can make the other person feel like their emotions aren’t justified, valid, or being heard.
2. “You’re always…”
Have you said something along the lines of “You’re always late!” or something like “You never do this for me”. When you use these phrases, whether they’re true or not, they’re rarely productive and always hurtful. It’s a generalised statement that may dismiss all the times they actually did the things you wanted them to do. More often than not, it’s an invitation to a fight, as they would want to remind you of all the times they did do the things you’re accusing them of not doing.
3. “You make me whole” / “You complete me”
Just listen to yourself! This is a self-deprecating statement and it shows your low self-esteem and lack of confidence. When you say this, you’re saying that you are incapable of being happy without your partner. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be equal. But by saying this, it creates an imbalance in the relationship since you’re putting your partner on a pedestal.
4. “I wish things were how they used to be”
In most relationships, there’s bound to be a rough patch. This is when you find yourselves constantly fighting, and it can feel extremely draining. So it’s hard not to reminisce about the honeymoon phase where the two of you couldn’t get enough of each other, having endless things to talk about, and joking around together. While it’s nice to think about the good memories, we cannot relive or recreate the past, and this kind of statement only creates a sense of longing, yearning and wishful thinking, which devalues the positive aspects of the current relationship and restricts it’s future growth.
5. “You make me feel guilty for hanging out with friends”
You are responsible for your own feelings, not your partner. So blaming your partner for how you feel isn’t gonna make things better. You’ll only experience uncomfortable feelings of guilt or shame if you actually believe you’re in the wrong. It’s your job to look at things objectively, and take back control of your emotions. If you feel like the time you’re spending with your friends is at the expense of spending quality time with your partner, change it! And if your partner has different expectations about how much time you should spend together, TALK ABOUT IT! Have an open conversation with your partner and say “I know I’m spending a lot of time with my friends – what do you think?” instead.
6. “You’re so boring”
If you’ve been called boring before, you know how much it hurts, so you can imagine how much more painful it is if its from someone you love! While some may say “It’s just a joke!”, it’s an unloving and harsh statement regardless. No good can come from this statement, and it will only hurt the ones who love you because they actually care about your opinion. So, if you’re feeling that the relationship’s gotten a bit flat, discuss with your partner on how you can make thing better, instead of spewing harsh criticisms.
7. “I don’t care”
When a person we care about says this to us it can trigger a fear of abandonment, and erode the foundation of the relationship. It can cause us to start thinking that they aren’t invested, and that they don’t care about us. Yes, we get it, sometimes the argument just gets so tiring and repetitive you just want to put a stop to it, but try not to say this, especially when your significant other is talking about something they care about.
8. “My ex would never do that!”
Whatever you do, you should NEVER bring up your ex during an argument. It’s easy to start making comparisons when things aren’t looking as good with your partner. But if your relationship was SO amazing with your ex, you’d probably still be with them, but you’re not. So NEVER compare your current spouse to any prior relationships, you’re only minimising the amazing things that you adore and cherish about your partner and maximising and idealised version of your ex.
9. “If you loved me…”
Nope, no. Do not try and test their love. When you start a sentence this way, you’re only gonna put your partner on the defense. It’s emotional blackmail, and it’s a passive-aggressive way to communicate your needs. While it may not be on purpose, you’re subconsciously trying to pressure your partner into doing something you think is right. This will only create a power imbalance in the relationship and lead to anger and frustration on both sides.
10. “You’ve changed”
People change, for better or worse. But this kind of judgmental statement won’t help the relationship get better. Who knows, maybe you’ve changed too? A relationship will always evolve, and you shouldn’t expect it to stay the same. In order for a relationship to flourish, both partners should be allowed to grow and transform. The most important thing is to be each other’s support throughout those changes.
