“Madame Web” Review: Is This Solo Movie Better Than “Morbius”? Or Did Its Tangled Knots Spin A Misfire?

Alright fam, we’re gonna say it. It’s Madame Web time!

“Madame Web” is the fourth entry in Sony’s Spider-Man Universe, proceeding the two “Venom” outings and Jared Leto’s “Morbius”. The film is directed by S.J. Clarkson (“Orange Is The New Black”, “The Defenders”) and features Dakota Johnson (“50 Shades of Grey”, “Cha Cha Real Smooth”), Sydney Sweeney (“Anyone But You”), Isabela Merced (“Transformers: The Last Knight” “Dora and The Lost City of Gold”, Celeste O’Connor (“Ghostbusters: Afterlife”, “A Good Person”), and Tahar Rahim (“The Mauritanian”).

When the first trailer for “Madame Web” was released online, it became infamous due to the sheer absurdity of one of its lines.

“He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders just before she died”

Naturally, the Internet had a field day with it. For real, it spawned some pretty hilarious memes based on that one line.
So, the question is… does the meme potential continue with the release of the actual film? You know, let’s… take a look!

Okay, BAM, the movie begins where the meme of a quote suggests. In the jungles of Peru, in 1973, a young researcher, Constance Webb, who is with child, is studying spiders for their healing properties. She believes that the proteins in these creatures have the potential to cure certain diseases and help solve medical afflictions.

Nevertheless, her associate, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) has other plans and he steals the spiders for his heinous plot. Although he does not intend to hurt her, eventually, he shoots her in the abdomen and leaves her to die.

On the brink of death, she is taken by a group of mysterious beings who try to save her through ritualistic means. Constance manages to deliver her baby during the ritual, effectively preserving her life. Nevertheless, Constance succumbs to her wound and dies.

Fast forward to three decades later and it’s a year of low-slung jeans, the debut of Cristiano Ronaldo at Manchester, and Queen B making a name for herself. We are caught up in the life and times of Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson), the aforementioned child who survived the incidents in Peru.

As someone who has been given a second shot at life, Cassie is carrying it forward as a paramedic. Alongside her partner, Ben – yes, THAT uncle Ben – Parker (Adam Scott), she’s cruising through New York City in her red ambulance, ready to rescue citizens in crisis.

Soon enough, she comes across three girls with whom she would find herself entangled later on: Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), the stepdaughter of a rescued individual who appears in the hospital she is in, Anya Corazon lives on the 1st floor of her apartment, and there’s the bratty sk8ter girl, Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor) who flips Cassie off while she’s driving.

After an unfortunate accident on the job causes Cassie to manifest precognitive abilities, she finds herself drawn back to the three girls that she crosses paths with earlier. Realizing that the trio is in grave danger as Ezekiel seeks to destroy them, Cassie decides to step in and prevent the crimes from ever happening.

Alright fam, we’re going to lay it all out here. This movie is… pretty awful.

From the opening scene, we were already shaking our heads in disbelief. With camera movements that zoom in and out on the dramatic visages of Constance and Ezekiel, the shoddy nature of the work became more and more apparent. Why is it shot… like a low-budget sitcom?

Enter the mystical Amazonian individuals known as Las Aranas [Spider-People] and these dudes just look atrocious. Those dudes look as if they had blown-out truck tyres shoddily wrapped around their faces and bodies. On top of that, they were goofily crawling upside down and leaping from tree to tree while carrying Constance.  This just added to the comedy that was unfolding.

As for the main villain, that is Ezekiel Sims, sigh. Okay, let’s see…

So, after the whole incident in Peru, he let the spider bite him but now, he possesses knowledge of how he is going to meet his end. He dreams that three Spider-Women will eventually defeat him in the future. As such, he goes full “Minority Report” on them, using his vast resources and technical acquisitions to prevent the ‘relative crimes’ from ever happening.

In one of his earliest scenes in the film, he seduces an agent of the National Security Agency and brings her into bed. So, while they’re in the sheets, he decides to tell all and reveal his master plan… Yay, nothing beats a sexy and flustered evil monologue eh?

So, at this point, our patience had worn off. Yet, the film continued to test our limits.

If you walked into this movie thinking that Sydney, Isabela, and Celeste’s characters were going to play major roles and battle alongside Madame Web, for real, we wouldn’t blame you. After all, the marketing has featured these characters heavily, suits and all.

Now, it’s not that the trio are not in the film. It’s just that they are… there and not doing much… notable stuff.

Yes, these ladies are framed as the emotional lynchpins of the film. They ALL have daddy issues (or a lack thereof) that are meant to have us empathize with them. The problem is halfway through, they’re sidelined to allow Cassie to go off and do her own thing in Peru. So, of course, the connection we were having suddenly felt severed.

Even when they’re doing stuff that’s meant to pay off toward the climactic battle, it doesn’t feel natural as the script forces its way to have them participate. It doesn’t mean their characters are lacking usefulness but they’re not strong either.

There are only two short scenes that feature them in suits, and they only appear during visions of the future. While we wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s a bad thing, the fact remains that this film was marketed with a trio of Spider-Women in mind. So, audiences might go in expecting Sydney Sweeney in a black costume at some point and go “That’s it?” because it’s only there for 20 seconds.

By the credits, we were just left rubbing our chins, gritting our teeth, and staring at the ceiling, wondering what this experience was meant to tell us. Simply put, “Madame Web” should not have been an idea for a solo movie because this is exactly what we will get.

As always, there is an intention to make the best product out of the characters and string them together in a way that would hopefully delight audiences. However, the ideas used in the film are mind-bogglingly shoddy and unintentionally become sources of humour, which is not what it should have been.

That being said, some scenes were legitimately handled well. For example, in the train sequence where Cassie properly meets Anya, Mattie, and Julia; there is a rising and falling “Final Destination” paranoia that feels adequately tense. It’s meant to jar the audience in a way that makes us feel what she feels. We recognised the effort being made to pull that off and we did think that it was a bright spot.

If the entire movie was consistent in bringing out sequences like these that flowed properly to the next idea, it would have made the experience a lot better. Alas, it did not happen that way.

This and “Morbius” have some similarities. We want to say that the leads for these movies are by no means, bad. We can see that they are conscious in their efforts to create a legitimate character for the screen. Nevertheless, there is not enough impact in the storytelling to provide an interesting narrative to the audience.

The “Venom” movies were successful at the box office and contributed to the efforts to bring more Spider-Man-related characters to the big screen. However, we feel like there has been a lack of judgment on the studio’s part, particularly in choosing the right properties and ensuring there is a story to tell.

Now, we are at a point where we’re still getting “Kraven The Hunter” this year, and truth be told, we’re past the optimism here. We’ve heard of other possible developments like “El Muerto”? Seriously, we want to know who went up to a top executive and screamed “Te gusta dinero, senor? VIVO, EL MUERTO! VIVO!”

Truly, “Madame Web” is a forgettable feature that proves that not every comic book character can carry its own feature film. Look, we know that ‘superhero fatigue’ is a thing because the major studios are attempting to squeeze out outings after outings just to generate money. That IS the landscape we are in this year and fortunately, some are making efforts to correct this.

Why has the DC Universe reset with James Gunn at the helm? Why is Marvel Studios reassessing its release strategies and content? It’s because there is an understanding that cinematic universes have to be built on the foundation of quality and not churned out just because people will watch it. We need impactful tales that are not contrived.

Well, what do you know? In all un-seriousness, we think “Madame Web” has the potential to make a Madabillion dollars and become one of the movies of all time. If it does get meme-d to hell, we’ll be patiently waiting for that re-release!

“Madame Web” is currently playing in theatres nationwide.